Your dad touched me again.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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