just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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