shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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