I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
