Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
