It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
