Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
