just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
