They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
