part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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