at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
