the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I will be naked everywhere
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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