laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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