Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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