i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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