i wish my penis had a tongue
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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