the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm just crazy horny about you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize