got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
