After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
