Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
