How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
