Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
