I haven't been this sober since birth.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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