Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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