and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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