Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
