You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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