his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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