new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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