I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
whose parrot is this?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
MIDGETS
????
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
