when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
