thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
