Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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