I hate your face
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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