if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
