I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
