I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize