I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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