Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
