If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
