You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
