he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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