My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
