Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
