If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
