Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
