On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
