i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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