You really coming over, don't trick.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
