dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
two words: eviction party
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
