Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
