The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
