fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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