so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize