Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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