3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
