at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
