I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
