Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
