Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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